February 25, 2005

Silicon Valley Mom

Motherhood: How I learned to lower my standards

By Dona Nichols
Special to the Times

I never truly appreciated my mom until I became a mother myself. I never appreciated bladder control until I became pregnant with twins.

Motherhood changes everything.

The concept of time changes the minute you have children.

The terms “B.C.” and “A.D.” now mean “before children” and “after delivery.”

B.C. is now a faint memory of my husband and I running slow motion through a field of wild flowers, stopping for an impromptu picnic.

We still run but now it’s from one kid-related chore to the next, and it’s never in slow motion. If there’s an impromptu picnic, it means someone found a half eaten peanut butter sandwich wedged between the cushions of the couch.

My house was always clean before children. Motherhood changed this too.

Before children I was such a fastidious housekeeper that I couldn’t sleep at night if there were dirty dishes in the sink. Now, there could be a corpse in the sink and it wouldn’t bother me.

Before children I couldn’t sleep for a single second without the perfect number of satin covered pillows arranged a certain way.

Now, I could sleep for a week while hanging from a meat hook.

Before children I fantasized about the kind of mother I would be. I imagined myself as a new-age mom … a Silicon Valley super mom, with synchronized play dates and toys that were arranged alphabetically by size and color.

I swore my children would eat only homegrown vegetables cooked over an open flame I had prepared myself by rubbing two sticks together. The reality now is that when I yell “dinner time,” my kids run straight to the car.

Thanks to motherhood, I have lowered my standards considerably, but I can still give you valuable advice.

I can show you how to cut your dishwashing in half, simply by turning the plate over and using the other side.

I can show you how to quickly clean a child’s face with nothing more than bellybutton lint and some spit.

I can show you how to quickly freshen the dog’s water by flushing the toilet.

To say I’ve lowered my standards is an understatement.

Dona Nichols teaches journalism at San Jose State University and Evergreen Valley College and does stand-up comedy on the side at the Improv in downtown San Jose. She lives in Evergreen with her husband and three children.